How I Became an Atheist.

I really didn't want to be an atheist.  I wanted there to be a God.  I wanted to believe there was someone there.  Someone tending the fires, so to speak.  Someone to go to when my life wasn't going right.

When I was about nine years old I asked my mother why God let bad things happen to good or innocent people.  Why did little babies get sick and die?  Why did tornados rip apart people's homes?  She couldn't answer me.  So, she had me talk to our preacher.  But, he wasn't any more help.  I was told to have faith and to believe that God really was good, but did things for reasons we puny humans couldn't understand.

Even at such a young age I could tell this was bullshit.  But, I still needed to believe.

A few years later I thought I'd find my answers by reading the Bible.  And I did.  I read the whole thing cover to cover.  Even the really dull parts that don't say anymore than who begat who begat who.  I discovered the inconsistencies along with some things that seemed morally repugnant to me.

Sense I knew seeing someone from a church would be useless, I started reading books by biblical scholars.  Books by the people that made their living teaching the Bible in seminary and divinity schools.  People that had studied history and spoke ancient Greek and could put things into perspective for me.

It didn't help.  On the contrary, it moved me farther away from the God I was trying to get next to.

Next I began reading books that gave the opposite point of view.  I read about Satanism and evolution and cosmology.  I discovered these books made more sense to me.

But, I still wasn't ready to give up on God.  I became agnostic.

I kept looking.  I read the writings of the famous religious leaders like Martin Luther and Markus Aurelius.  But, it didn't help.  It started to seem like these were men grasping for straws, desperately trying to hold onto their own idea of God.

As I grew older, God made less and less sense.  God began to look like a children's story.  Like Santa or the Great Pumpkin.

I sat down in a dark, quiet room and I thought "is there really a God?"  Then, for the first time, I allowed myself so say "maybe there is no God.  Maybe this is just something to keep people from fearing death too much."  And that tiny flame began to grow inside me.  I couldn't stop it.  Everything I understood about the world confirmed it.

I simply couldn't fight it anymore.

There is no God.  There is no heaven or hell.  There is only this life, this world and this universe and it's a beautiful place filled with more things than anyone could ever want.  This is an amazing place and sometimes I still feel a desire to thank someone for it.  But, there is no one to thank.  Just my lucky stars.

I guess that'll have to be enough.