Internet Dating

In the last post I mentioned I use online dating. It started when I was working as a sort of night watchman. All I had to do was make my rounds every hour or so and as long as I did, I could do whatever I wanted in between. I had a laptop and a wyfi connection. So, being a typical man, I thought; “Hey, I'll try to get laid.”

But, I only use the 100% free dating sites. The reason for this is if I'm going to be paying for this abuse she'd better be wearing pink stilettos and fishnet stockings.

If you haven't tried it (c'mon, who hasn't tried it), internet dating is hard. The first thing you have to do is write a profile telling potential dates how cool you are with out sounding you're bragging. And you have to be unique. You have to come up with a way to make your profile stand out among thousands of other men all trying to stand out themselves. Pictures can help with this. Post pics of yourself doing fun things like skiing or playing a sport or indulging in whatever hobby you have. By the way gentleman, if you have the abs for it, going shirtless works no matter what women tell you.

Now you're ready to start sending messages to women. But, what do you say?

You start by reading profiles and looking for common interests. But, that doesn't work because that's what every other guy is doing. You gotta stand out. You gotta be different. You gotta way out there, but in a good way.

At some point I just gave up. I started sending messages for my own amusement. It didn't matter anymore. I just didn't care. I sent long messages, short messages, poems, sexual innuendos, double entendre, back handed complements. Nothing worked. I was sweet, angry, sad, needy, fatherly, happy. I couldn't get a reply to save my life.

Then I stumbled upon it. I crafted a message with all the right elements. It was funny, cute and completely unique. And I'm going to share it with you. I'm sharing it only because you won't be able to use it yourself. Why? Because I've already sent it to every single woman in North America!

Here it is:

“You seem cool. Do you want to rob a bank? I'll drive the getaway car while you go inside and grab the loot. Then we'll fly to Las Vegas, have wild parties with with showgirls and Elvis impersonators, get married in a cheesy, drive through chapel, argue because you don't want to name our first baby Otto (even if it's a girl), get a divorce and spend the rest of our lives growing old, lonely and depressed. But, we'll never forget Las Vegas.”

It was everything I needed without being too long or short and my replies skyrocketed. Suddenly I was able to meet four or five new women a week by remote control. I now had a list of phone numbers I could go through and find a date at a moments notice.

I got cocky. I was having sex with two or three different women a week. Some of them were 20 (or more) years younger than me. It wasn't long before I started introducing them to each other and having threesomes. It was crazy! I was spending more money on condoms than I was on dates.

Then I met her.

A wild, crazy punk girl with a mohawk and covered in tattoos. Our first date lasted three days. I was the happiest I'd ever been.

But sadly, it just didn't work out over the long term.

So, here I am. Back where I started.

Can I do it again? I'm going to give it my best shot.